12/13/97: In this order, the cd player is loaded with Melissa Ethridge- Yes I Am, Heart- Private Audition and Gregg Allman- One More Try: Anthology, if that tells you anything about my musical interests. It's only a 3-cd player, else I'd have a few more Heart cds and a Led Zepplin and maybe a Pink Floyd cd in there also.
Lots of little shit. Heavy resentment has resurfaced from too much exposure to my ex of 9 years, whom as a same-sex lover the government would not allow to be written off on my taxes. Call me petty if you wish, but hovering on the verge of my second bankruptcy for the last 2 years is in a major way a direct result of the previous 9 years (ok, the last 5 or so of those 9 years). We had a bit of geographical separation which helped get beyond that as I tried to reposition myself in some financial stability on my own. Not so anymore with them living just 2 houses down from me now. Constant reminders. We had a fight over it tonight, where unabashed truths flew with rage through the phone lines. I don't want to fight over it, and I would rather her just disappear than to try to recover anything from her (which would be impossible). I will get over it and rebuild my life by myself, as I've been doing these last months. So I have a cold distance where she's concerned. Her self-centered nature forces her to chase people down to find out why they're mad at her. Which is what she did tonight. After I told her exactly how I felt, she went off stating her apologies have been unending and she's through with apologizing. I can't get her to understand that it is not apologies that would make the resentment go away. I can't just get over it and "write it off" like a bank would do. A repayment in financial terms would be more appeasing to that goddess of thorns residing in my heart/head. But that is another impossibility as her spending habits have not changed, nor has her income, nor the potential for increased income. And once I'm back to a comfortable level of financial independence, the whole issue will be moot, resentment washed. I hear her discuss her current financial problems and I seethe with resentment. I can't change that, all I can do is hope for more distance and time to get back to my preferred independent financial stability. In an email response to my attempt to clarify certain things, she says, "Even Jesus only died once for all of humanity's sins. Why must I have to go through this repeatedly?" ..then further she says, "Why am I constantly being slapped in the face with mistakes I made in our past together?".. well, she compares herself to Jesus? Ahem. And she wouldn't be slapped in the face with anything if she hadn't tracked me down for the last week demanding to know what was wrong and what has she done wrong to piss me off.
All of that background was to get to another point, which is more generic and philosophical in nature: I'm an activist for equality in humanity with an emphasis on making gays' rights more in line with other Americans. (I'm a gay rights activist, among other things). In this effort to broaden minds and hearts to accept us as humans on an equal keel with everyone else, I envision a day when partners of the same sex will have the same recognition in society as heterosexual couples: that is spousal recognition of domestic partners for insurance, power-of-attorney and taxpayer benefits. I will appreciate one day the ability to include my lover on my insurance plans through employment, the ability to make life-hinging decisions for the sake of my lover should she ever be in such a way that she cannot make her own decisions, the ability to support my lover without penalty from our unjust tax system, and the ability to exchange vows and exercise commitment in the eyes of whatever powers rule our spirits. And though this seems like a dreamy existance for most homosexuals, it's getting closer and closer everyday...read your national news, notice the progress being made toward this in many small communities across the land. Perhaps we should recognize as many hidden advantages as our current legal status conveys to us, which are taken for granted or overlooked. This little fight with Susan has brought the issue forward for me, where if we were truly recognized in some court as legal spouses, then our separation could have resulted in a very nasty legal battle over alimony from one to another. Who would sue who is beside the point, for neither of us would have the resources to provide for the other after our dissolution. An empty judgement means nothing. But because we're not legally recognized, there was very little possibility she could have successfully sued me for continuing support beyond our "marriage." For this I am thankful. As the "caretaker/provider" in our relationship, the financial burden would have followed me to whatever life I moved on to. Whew. Thank god that couldn't have happened. But would my situation be any different had I been able to deduct her as a "dependent" on my taxes, for she truly was dependent on me to keep the roof over her head and the heat and air on (she has it cold as a meat locker in summertime and winter), as well as keeping the fridge and cabinets stocked with her favorites?
That's one of the biggest adjustments to getting back on an independent footing, shopping for one: myself. I didn't have a clue what I wanted when I went to Kroger for the first time after she left. And who knows why I've got the tastes I do, but my cupboard is stocked with shit she'd never in a million years touch, nor would very many other people. And lemme tell ya, getting creative with $6 at the grocery store is quite an adventure. :)
I had another page here for the last few weeks but due to the harsh nature of criticism directed at none other than the focus of this writing, I took it down. Softy? Well.. what's it matter, ya know? Let it go, as best you can. Or keep it to yourself, I should say. Letting it go is hard. Keeping it quiet till it subsides is easier. And it will subside, just takes time and patience. Anyway, the graphic above was on that page, I am re-using it here but it doesn't necessarily suggest my mood as accurately as on the previous writing.
Lady Jade has me in a tizzy too, not knowing which way is up and misreading her left and right. She says one thing but unseen actions imply another. Words. Nothing's forever and nothing means anything anyway so let it all go and take a nap. Which is exactly what I'm about to do. See ya.