11/16/97: What music do you listen to?
Two years ago, I had a flat tire in the driveway, and at odds with my live-in ex-lover at the time, had no other means of transportation. It was during a pretty bad low point in my life. I wallowed in the fact I was stranded at home and a bit panicky should an emergency arise where I'd need to go somewhere (I can't stand being denied this freedom to go at a moment's whim, even for an ice cream or newspaper). On the third day of being stranded (where I still hadn't found someone to loan me a vehicle for a few hours to go get the tire replaced), some guy asked me what was wrong with my spare. My eyes got big as quarters and my whole body went rigid at this comment, cold harsh vicious realization that I'd never once considered the spare. I forgot cars even came with a spare. It was totally beyond me. I was pretty fucked up. I don't feel like I've fully recovered from that period in my life. Nothing's the same since.
I really believe something inside of me snapped during that depression and it changed my personality. Like a wire that shorted out or something. Irreparable. I wish it would heal, things that came so natural to me before, without conscious effort, are now monumental tasks to even focus on the elements of everyday things. I have to read a recipe forty times to follow the directions. I used to be able to perform complex trig calculations in my head on the fly while I was working, and never ever ever did I double-check my work, and it was flawless, every time. Now I can't even add double digit numbers in my head, I reach for paper to use (or worse, reach for the calculator). This is sick. Did I do this to me? Did society do this to me? Did the government do this to me? Aliens? I wish I'd hurry up and die, this stuff makes me tired.
And what the fuck is up with all these damn love songs on the radio???? Is our society so whacked on prozac that they need the misery chorused by others fed to them every 3rd song in rotation??? I don't get it. That's another piece of me fallen victim to that depressed stage. I don't know what love is, I don't understand it, why others are so compelled to chase it, to complete their lives like it's some miracle final piece of a puzzle in their lives. I used to love. I don't have the capacity anymore, it's too heavy. It's pointless. It changes, there's no reason to put yourself through that misery and anxiety just because you kinda care about somebody. Love sucks, everybody thinks it's the perfect state of being, the epitome of heaven on earth, and nobody has yet been able to even define it... wanna know why?? Cuz the shit changes minute by minute shifting and twisting and swelling and oozing and bloating and ebbing and waning and pushing and whatever. It just sucks. Nobody should use the word love. Get rid of it. Tell the truth. "I enjoy this moment with you and am happy at this moment in time. I may not feel this way tomorrow, you might make me tired and I might lose interest in your delusions, but for the moment I really dig hanging out with you." My heart is dead. I could murder and feel no remorse. But that could change tomorrow, and I reserve that right to change. Whether it's consciously or not, if I change my position tomorrow, you gotta deal with it. And likewise if you change tomorrow I gotta deal with it. So what's the point of relying on anything anybody ever says with any certainty? Blah. Are you depressed yet? I am.
Pets. Down in the 20's tonight. No fleas in the house. I can't decide what to do.