Where is this going?


11/15/00: We went to a dance, it was wonderful. And we danced. Not just danced, but danced. She brought me home and then she left. We went polar after that. Our emotions grew stronger while we kept stepping back from each other, more than arms' length apart.

Our next date was to dinner at a Greek cafe, then a movie. I enjoyed her laughter most. But I couldn't touch her. That would cross a line that neither of us are interested in crossing. How do I know? We talked.

We spent hours on the phone one week. We explored each other's psyche, compared ourselves to each other, looked for common grounds. And there are many. Yes, including spirituality. After maybe three conversations at that depth, it came up. She brought it up.

I daren't go there, resisting any tugs into loveland. I crave stability, no I NEED stability on a personal level before even attempting to share a part of me with someone else. Before sharing that part of me with someone else.

All these memories are coming back of our friendship since we first met. I gazed into her eyes 4 years ago. I couldn't assume her stare reciprocated this gaze, but damn it feels like it. Where was I then? Stone cold dead. She was involved, I was safe. The thought never occured to me that this current experience with her would ever happen.

Today there just isn't enough of me to share with anyone responsibly. This could break my heart if I dwell on it. I think I've expressed this clearly on many levels. Still forward we go, together.

This is quite a unique situation, because I'm being pursued. Of course the door's been flung open for that, but I'm so hesitant to pursue her. I want her, but....

I liked the mystery that surrounded our steps closer to each other. Intentions and interpersonal desires were left unspoken for only a short while, dashing the mysterious allure. She felt compelled to say what was on her mind. You could probably say on one hand, she came on aggressively by going there, too quick and too strong. But on the other, she felt it was the responsible thing to do. And I couldn't disagree. Darnit. She warned me that she cannot uncover the reasons for her attraction, or rather for her desires to continue forward, and that finally that this may only be a stepping stone to recovery from her previous relationship.

The distance solidified at that moment. Stay safe, stay back. I'm trying to stay guarded on two fronts now, from the inevitable pain of her rebound romance, and from sinking myself further into a world with which experience proves I'm incompatible - casual, temporary relationships.

I don't want to get romantic. A fleeting thought will make me take pause, the notion to send her a little tap on the shoulder to let her know she's on my mind. Flowers... bleck. Cards... notes... emails... I talk myself out of it and go on about my day. The notions are there, casually at best. I feel gipped - having poured my heart and soul into that only once before, with Susan - I didn't save one drop of it for future use, because I was entering a relationship with Susan that was permanent. There is only one definition of permanent. So you understand the intensity of my passion that was spent on something that turned out not to be permanent. Now I'm broke. I didn't even give a whole lot of it to Michelle, because it wasn't there to give... I suppose I found ways to compensate, but again I agreed to enter that relationship permanently. HAH! How's 18 months for permanence. That's why such a gaping hole was created when she left, so much of me had been redirected to the us of us.

Now somebody comes along that I want, that suits me intellectually, spiritually, and morally. There ya go - she's got morals. She's old school through and through, and that melts me. And she's 100% lesbian, pure truth in commitment. Interesting that the more I get to know her, the more I want to believe she's the one that will sit beside me in her comfortable rocking chair on the front porch. -- !STOP - I catch myself going here, then the warnings play back: rebound for her, disaster for me.

I'm incredibly attracted to her intimately, but have absolutely no desire for sex. I can't even fantasize about it. I've tried - the scenario is quiet, comfortably intimate, close, but the farther I push the fantasy into a sexual nature with her, the grayer the vision gets. Is this a warning sign? Or have my desires for sex not returned from the graveyard after Michelle? I'll be forty soon, a couple years. Maybe the magic 4-0 will snap it back into action. Just my luck, by then she'll have moved on.

We have discussed this distance we've put between us, casually. Joked about it a bit. And we have no problems hugging each other as we depart, but...... no touching at all while we're together. This in itself has become a fantasy, to imagine the situation relaxed and comfortable, or provocative enough for someone to cross the line. Sure as shit, I'll break a grin!

The disturbing question of the day: Does she want to be romanced? I am incapable, particularly with the guards on maximum alert. Will this cost me her company on the front porch? Someone else, anyone else can sweep her off her feet in a moment and I'll be left spinning.


..the end..