11/8/97: I like this font alot so I'm going to use it on this one too. Like the last post suggests, I sit here in a fog again not knowing which direction to go or what to talk about. I have to talk though else things get stale. We don't want that now do we. I can't think clearly about anything and all I can focus on is how bad I feel, having the flu since Sunday and no break in sight, on top of a typically harsh period now. I do wish there were REAL choices in life. I would opt to not be of the bearing class thus eliminating this miserable state of being that affects me three weeks out of four. Isn't it unfathomable to live 75% of your life in constant misery because of a stupid menstrual cycle? Well I'm stuck with it. And I'm only half way there in years. Half way. Blah-I feel so old already though. And another lifetime of this ahead of me. Lovely. Well if I didn't feel bad a minute ago, I surely do now. How utterly depressing. Let's move on to something else.

Lots of shit going through my head, nothing of significance worth focusing on. Lots of whining. My mother came by today and brought me some orange juice and cans of soup and veggies. Thanks mom. I can't breathe. I have one cigarette left in the whole house. I've got two bucks. I'm going to have to put on some shoes and a coat and go out and get another pack before this episode is over, because I'm an ADDICT! A diet of vivarin and cigarettes and not much else lately. No wonder I've got the flu. Shut up. I'm going for cigarettes, be back in a few.

Coggins your life is so thrilling. I was about to launch into a gripe about the constant blow of lightbulbs here and thought how much I'd wanna read about someone else's lightbulbs and decided.... Who wrote the laws of English grammar? of pronunciation? phonetics? Take the word "judgement" - or as some from the old school spell it, "judgment". There is some law out there that states you must drop the E when adding the suffix "ment" to the word judge. Think about it for a minute. The laws of pronunciation require that E to be there in order to have judge sound like juj. If you drop the E in the root word judge, you would have jud-g, which is hardly pronounceable given our frail linguistic tongues. So using the laws we are taught in elementary school (and using our capacity for reasoning) we come up with judgement as a correct spelling of the word judgement. See, I thought for myself and reasoned that the E must remain to have proper pronunciation, and it does no harm in terms of visual understanding of the written word. So I am NOT brainwashed into the blind faith of "trust me, there is only one E in the word judgment" only because it is "so" because someone ages ago thought that is how it should have been. You don't drop the E in agreement, but you do in argument. So use some logic and toss the blind faith out the window. Spell it the way the rules allow--that is, the rules of reasoning and judgement based on fundamental laws of grammar and pronunciation. I have a problem truncating a root word to add a suffix when the laws of pronunciation would affect a change on the way it's pronounced. Logic dictates, not some rule somewhere that offers no explanation as to why the e must be dropped. That's as bad as religion.

I was corresponding with a friend in New Jersey the other day and wanted to use the word "echelon" but was unsure of the spelling (I thought it was eschelon at first). So I turned to webster to the section with "esch..." and what in a million words would jump up in my face but the word "eschatology". Ya gotta love that karma, eh?

Someone spammed me tonight with a glaring headline that read: "AIDS IS A HOAX". I heard a Rush Limbaugh radio thing about 6 years ago during which he tried to say the same thing, that AIDS was not a threat to anyone and it's all a product of the liberal media and shit like that. How can these bozos continue to blare out such irresponsible statements as that? Let's hope nobody in his family contracts the disease. Then he'll know whether it's a hoax or not, no?

I refuse to discuss Jade, or anything I feel for her. It's tired and no different than before. So there, that was my blib of this love life. I would like to say however (haha, you knew I couldn't refrain didn't you??) that during the last week she's used the L word three times in email. She knows exactly how I feel about the L word and that I'll never tell it to someone again (and she also knows my philosophy on the definitive "never" word). Which way should I go here, explain my philosophy on it or discuss my perceptions of her use of the word? We started on her so let's finish that thought first. At first glance I interpretted her use of the word as an expression of caring in that overused terminology, casually tossing the word out there to heighten her expression for a moment. Let's see, first she said "love hugs and kisses to you....blah blah blah", and immediately afterward says "...love ya lots...." Ok. The first use of the word was barely noticeable (i didn't drop the e on notice to form the word noticeable, whatcha think?) and somewhat effective to show she cared. The second use of it was almost a taunt but there's something glitchy to it. My perception is that she felt compelled to say it (as all humans do, it takes strength not to), and tossed it out there hoping it would be accepted as a casual means of expressing some emotion. I do not think for one minute she loves me, in the sense that love conquers all and all that garbage. I do believe she likes me alot, and I like it too. BUT...upon deeper analysis, and based on her history as a seductress, I tend to want to think she's using the word to try to break me. Tossing it freely out like that in hopes I'll do the same (relying on that human impulse action to just let it go and say it), and that is the point of her whole game, to make me devoted to her so she can claim victory. There's also a third interpretation of the word, and this is the one that hurts: since she knows I don't really like the l word or discussion of those emotions, perhaps she's suddenly realized that I'll dry up and blow away and get the hell out of her life if she pushes the issue, so all of a sudden now she's using that word. Indeed there was a recoil action when I saw it. Is that what she wants? It could very well be, and I'm outta there if that's the case. Yea I care about her deeply, but how do you know your own feelings, when you have the capacity to wake up one day and not feel it the same way? So...... float, drift, enjoy.. We're incompatible anyway so what's the big deal? Heh.. ahem.

Well ok. I keep ignoring these chills and hot flashes, but I'm getting really tired. And for the lover of menses I cannot understand why I'm plagued with insomnia on top of everything else. You'd think all my body would want to do is sleep (read: DIE) but noooooooo. Let's keep Chris conscious so she can experience this for every intense second it exists, because she neeeeeeeds so much more character than what she's already drowning in. (EGADS! I just ended a sentence with a preposition!! WHO MADE UP THAT FUCKING LAW, HUH?!? Kick the baby, don't kick the baby, wheeeeeee!).

..the end..