Ain't this a kick in the rubber parts!



10/28/00: I can't remember the last time I was asked out on a date... since coming out as a lesbian I've always been the aggressor, no doubt, to take and maintain control of the situation at all times. So what the hell is happening here I have no idea. I know I'm no longer in control, and I find myself all nervous and self-conscious, wondering whether she'll like me once she gets to know me.

I'm definitely in some shit here, and I'm not quite sure I know how it happened. See, Michelle and I broke up this past February, and I still haven't gotten myself back, my space, and my peace, the way I want it for myself. Fully aware of this, I'm in no mood to pursue a relationship with anybody. I've been in no rush to do some things around here that will put things on the path to reclaiming all that was mine exclusively before that dreadful mistake of bringing Michelle into my life. For instance, she left several pieces of furniture here and some other odds and ends, and I've just been ignoring it because I got mad everytime I looked at it -- mad because I let her in here to disrupt my space, and when she left, she didn't leave things like they were. So it's just been sitting here with my shit cluttering up around it. That's one of the things I want to take care of when I'm in the mood to, so I can finally claim this corner or that as mine again. Well..

There are other things that need my attention before I can completely relax and enjoy life, like the mess in the laundry room, where the ceiling caved in several weeks ago. Insurance is going to cover the repairs, but there is so much shit in there, in the way, that cleanup of the original mess is a daunting task and I don't make much visible progress every time I try. So that problem is hanging over my head.

Then there's this drafting crap, which is my only source of income at the moment, and we all know I'd rather be dead than do this work. So motivation in that department isn't too keen either.

So there are alot of things hanging over my head before I'm at peace with my own self again. I feel like this is a prerequisite to anything remotely social and intimate.

This chick, I've liked her for a while, but never enough to get close to her or get to know her or anything. I didn't notice the attraction several years ago because she was in a serious, long-term relationship with another - off limits, so the thought never occurred to me that she's cute. Then I got involved with Michelle, which took all desire to notice this things away from me. I was so fucking narrowly focused on Michelle that nothing else existed. Well I know this is my way too, which might complicate things coming around the bend now.

She's been single for a while now, maybe a year or so, and judging from how deeply she was in love with her wife, you have to wonder if she's ok with everything in her life. It's got to hurt to constantly see your ex everyday and yet not have access to her anymore. So I still didn't notice my attraction to her, considering how I perceive her personal situation.

Well I guess more over the last two or three months I did notice an attraction and kept it at bay because of my own life being so unsettled right now. Like sitting near her at a meeting, I'll catch myself looking at her bare arm or shoulder, and want to reach over and touch her. Simple thoughts like that, nothing that I can't suppress in her company.

So this last week several of us are getting ready for a fundraiser, and this other girl befriends me - call her C. for this journal entry - and C. strikes up a conversation about life in general with me. Antagonist that I am, I threw all kinds of arguments at her while she was talking, challenging her, simply because the opportunity to do so presented itself. Well she confesses her own attraction to this same girl, and starts talking about their recent date, and all about trying to figure her out. OK. I'm fully aware that I also like this girl, but since I have no intentions of getting involved with anyone, I never told C. that I too liked her. Why put concern on C's plate when there's no need, you know?

More and more over this week, C is increasingly concerned about the lack of attention from this other girl, and who does she bring it to to discuss it? Me. She calls everyday trying to figure the girl out, why she responds so harshly on the phone, why she seems so stressed lately. I just let her talk till her heart's content, but understand I never approached her to lend an ear or supporting shoulder. I never stopped her from talking. There's a difference. She befriended me, freely gave me her trust, when I never asked for it, and never encouraged a friendship. I dropped clues all over the place that I was not a social person, I rarely make new friends, I don't go out... things to signal that we are not becoming friends as you might interpret. But I never came out and told her to shut up and back off. I also kind of knew that her crush on this girl would end painfully for her, and that some time in the future I would enter the picture with this girl, if she's still around. So allowing this friendship to develop as far as it did was not a good move.

I'm in control however, because like I said I have no interest in pursuing anything with anyone - friendship or otherwise - therefore I won't be a significant factor in all of this bullshit going on with C and the chick of note. Not yet. I do like her, and when I'm ready to date, she's the one I'll approach. But it's not there yet.

No, I'm not in control. Because nowhere did I allow for the possibility that this chick would do the asking out. I had pegged her as too shy to pursue anybody, and felt this assessment was accurate based on the observations I made over the last several years. I thought it was extremely odd and out of character for her to kiss me on the cheek a month ago when she greeted me at an event out of town. But dense as I am, and totally off guard like I was, I didn't even notice the kiss until about 6 hours later, as I was driving home and rethinking the events of the day. Like a ton of bricks, it occurred to me that she kissed me, and what's worse is that I didn't respond! I must have been on Jupiter or something.

So back to the present, C calls again to continue discussing C (her favorite subject), and since our fundraiser is over, I'm ready to retreat back into my solitude ALONE. Just so happens that C is following me there, and I don't like it. So I told her to back off, don't interpret this past week as a budding friendship, I never invited you to open up to me - you did that on your own. I guess I should have said to shut up the first day she started talking to me. At the time, I had no compelling reason to be so cold. We were all working together to get the place ready, so conversation was a normal part of that.

Well, C didn't show at the fundraiser, much to my surprise. But the chick was there. Attentive, cordial, friendly, and lighthearted. Lots of smiles and laughter, little stress over how the evening was going. At one point during the intermission I walked up behind her and put my arms around her waist, and she paused a minute then commented that I better be careful else she'd turn around and hug back. I backed off immediately realizing the potential for mistaking this as an approach. No harm done, back to the movie, all of us laughing and having a good time.

Then comes time to leave. I'm scurrying around trying to collect up the stuff that goes home with me, and she comes up to give a goodbye hug. So I hugged her back, and the kiss from a month ago popped into my head, so I returned it right then, thinking to myself "Ha - now we're even!" But nothing was said. We didn't even look at each other as the embrace loosened. I turned to pick up more shit and she turned to leave out the door. Good.

I thought about her during the night, and am forcing myself to exercise restraint because I'm not ready to date anybody so don't make a mistake with this one, it's too early. Just relax and forget about it. You won't see her again for two weeks, so there won't be another opportunity to do something stupid. By then we'll all have a handle on ourselves and it'll be a normal meeting like always.

I did NOT expect her to call me the very next day, left a message for me to call her. The very next day. TOO FAST! Did she interpret that kiss on the cheek as an indication of my attraction to her??? But it was payback for her Savannah kiss a month earlier! Nothing more!

Don't panic. Return her call, maybe it's nothing personal. So I called her back. She has never been the chatty friendly type, strictly business the whole way everytime we speak. This time she chatted, somewhat nervously. I had a bad feeling this is exactly what I was hoping it wasn't. But at the same time, I was excited to entertain the idea that she did like me. AGH!

She asked me out for Saturday night. I couldn't come up with an immediate excuse not to go, so I accepted. And now I'm reeling. What if she doesn't like me after we start talking a while? I really like her, but I wanted to get to know her on my terms, not like this. I'm putting too much worry into it. But I don't want to lose the chance to date her.. what if? What if? What if she doesn't like me, and just asked me out because I'm single also? ARGH!

I never ever ever factored into the equation somebody else taking control of the situation. Maybe I'll learn how to behave as a result. It might indeed be fun to be courted (not that a single date = courting, but I don't know any other way). Maybe I'm about to learn.

When C gets wind of this, you'll see this huge explosion in the SE part of the United States. Shit.


..the end..