10/5/97: I am her little Chaylon. I can dig it. It matters not to me what happens, 'cause I'm gonna get through it regardless. If I happen to enjoy it along the way, goody. If I'm miserable through this, then that makes me all the wiser when it's over. She says things to me and I hear them with two seperate ears. I hear loving tenderness and genuine concern, and I hear what she wants me to hear. The lady smells good. And has the deepest darkest brown eyes, almost black, of anyone I've ever seen. I see fire in those eyes, and I see a coldness that makes my spine shiver... who could possibly consider such frightful intensity alluring? Me. Maybe I'm ready to get hurt. There is pleasure in pain, remember that.
How the hell does someone get hurt over something as alienating as emotional attachment? I think it has to do with how much of yourself you've handed over, and how much of yourself you've lost to become one with the circumstance. What if I don't want to hand anything over? But I do. What, is the question. How much? How little? Why measure it? Safety. Take stock and keep enough for yourself at all times. Never run low. It also involves a certain amount of ego, the pain that is. A crushed ego is devastating. The feeling that you've been duped. You should have been smarter. You shouldn't have done this. You shouldn't have believed that. You shouldn't have locked yourself into this "eternal bliss", because honey let me tell you, bliss ain't eternal. It's anything BUT.
This transience of spirit, now that's something to think about. I don't wanna be here much longer. So I approach everything with this temporary attitude. And if it starts to linger longer than what should feel normal, then it just needs to be evaluated for importance in one's life. Right now, this thing with her is important. Just don't ask me how important because I couldn't answer that. The answer isn't available.
I won't harbor resentment if it goes awry, I don't think that capacity exists in me anymore either. It's not worth the energy to resent something you got yourself into. Live with the past and keep going forward. Float freely. Live free. If somebody wants to tag along, let em. If they don't, let them get off whenever they want. Wish them well, give them directions if they ask, point if necessary, and whistle a little tune when they've disappeared over the hill on your left..
live free, man. peace to ya.