I wish I had about $1,500 spare so I could open an electronic account at E-Trade. I want to play the stock market so bad, just for the thrill of it. I watch how the stocks move and think "man I could have made a fortune on that stock if I'd purchased it two months ago..". I think maybe I have a knack for it, or maybe just like learning from my own mistakes :) ..but the downfall is our great almighty IRS breathing heavy down my back already. They're hot on my tail and gaining. As an official employee of a local pizza joint, a position I've not held in many many years where they take out taxes for me like good little iconoclasts, I am only allowed to make $130 (approx.) per week, and everything over that goes into monseur's beefy pocket to pay off the penalty for the extremely good year I had back in '94. We won't go here...NEXT!

It's getting colder, winter is moving in already. Not much of a summer if you compare it to all the summers we lived through growing up. SNOW in PERU in AUGUST? What is wrong with this picture? Ok so the seasons are changing, something bound to happen if you believe in random progression or chaos. But with everything else going funky on us, you just gotta know it's nothing more than Mother Nature fighting back at this profanely overcrowded world we got on our hands. Or maybe this is a side effect of her temperament, and not an intended survival tactic in her arsenal. I hope it snows here this year, it's been a long time since we had more than a day of empty streets and a truly quiet atmosphere. I think ALL of the major problems in the world would erase themselves if our population was 1/3 of what it is now, oh but think about it. That's where Ma Nature's trying to go.. get it under control for herself. I wouldn't lay blame on mankind for its collective personality flaws (aggression, greed, pollution, selfishness, etc) so much as I'd blame the sheer numbers of worldly inhabitants now. STOP FUCKING WITHOUT PROTECTION, ALREADY! Blah.

Anybody got any idea what the "dichotomy of desires" is? What I *think* it means is that it's ok to want to do something to someone else that you wouldn't necessarily want reciprocated. Well, not necessarily "ok", but that this is something that exists and has been accepted as a pattern of behavior in humans. If I'm wrong, email me the correct interpretation of this phrase so that I may be officially put on the right track. I should probably research it on my own, but I'm so buried under other research topics that I'd lose interest fairly soon if I couldn't find it fast enough.

I believe in something like reincarnation, not so much as in having different lives plotted out for me throughout eternity, but in the continuation of life after physical death, in whatever form in need of spiritual inhabitance at the precise moment I'm due for a comeback. I've always found the Russian culture rather charming, and had an unexplained curiosity about it, particularly in the culture at the time of high communism in that part of the world. Does this mean I once experienced this culture in a previous "lifetime"? I've been told by a soulmate that I indeed have lived in that neck of the woods, or at least hailed from that society. Can't explain why I have no desire to go back to it, but the curiosity makes me think I was there once. Ok, this doesn't make sense anymore to myself so I'm moving on.

I need more room in my office, not enough surfaces on which to pile notes and books and magazines and bills and current projects and other little jibbles of paper and other things here at my fingertips. Ok so I just admitted I'm a slob. Actually I WAS a slob, now I get extremely irritated when things aren't neat and orderly around me. Irritated but not motivated. :) I do much better in the last couple of years being on my own than when I had roommates.

WOW! The bottom just fell out of the threatening storm clouds looming overhead for the last 3 days! And it sounds WONDERFUL! Heavy heavy rain, I wish it would last for days and days. We need a good cleansing. And I need the introspection (no, I don't) that comes with it. Actually I need to smoke a joint and kick back in this lovely nighttime serenade and lose myself in thoughts and images of this beautiful gorgeous embodiment of passion living about 77 miles north of me. As I near the end of this paragraph, it sounds as though the rain is trailing off already. Heavy sigh. Ok, that's the graphic I'll put at the top of this page, if I can find one. Doing a search now to find the perfect rainstorm image. While I'm searching I've got the Kinks greatest hits CD playing kinda loud. It's embarrassing to admit that when they were hip in the early 80's and all my friends were into them, I didn't notice them, instead, I had to be turned on to them by my YOUNGER sister (of 6 years) when SHE was in high school. Why were they suddenly so groovy to me so late in life? Over and over I listened to her tape (pilfered as all things are from the kinfolk) while cruisin' on my bicycle around St. Simon's Island three years in a row. Jammin' biking music. Yea. Tokin' music too, heh. Ok, it's stopped raining I think. That's too bad, it was toooo short-lived.

Hmm, I feel pretty buzzed right now, really cool but kinda sleepy. This took three tokes to achieve whereas just a sniff of the shit would send me reeling. Not really, but I hate that totally fucked up feeling, getting TOO stoned, so I never push it. This is a comfortable groove. Do I sound like I'm stoned? I know the writing is more relaxed and informal.. probably because of the buzz, heh. I forgot now what all else I was going to say. Does it matter?

Robbie mentioned me in one of his recent essays, so in reciprocation, Cheers to ya, Robs! Except I'm not going to allude (elude ??) [asking monseur webster, hang on] ALLUDE to him being a lesbian. How nice. Even though he is and just doesn't know it yet. Heh. How's New Joisey, babe? Call your mother.

This is enough don't you think? Ya think so? I do too. I could continue if you really wanted me to. I'm into it ya know. But it's too chatty and not deep enough, and there aren't enough subliminal messages planted herein to express my feelings to the sweet lady should she ever venture onto this page again...

life's a game, BUT who's keeping score? shrug.

..the end..