4/19/98: I'm going to write something here, but as usual I'm sitting down to this unprepared. I'll be back in a few.

OK, sorry about the delay. The sun is shining for the first time in a few days and I had to enjoy it for a while. It's going to be sunny tomorrow too, and then Tuesday the rains come back for a few days. I love the rain, but there's a danger all this rain will bring more problems than we can handle without pulling our hair out, so I guess I shouldn't continue looking forward to rainy days.

Tonight's X-Files is a new episode so I hope I remember to go park it in front of the tube come 9pm. No big deal if I don't.

My tone is cold and distant isn't it? I can feel it. I got alot to talk about but I'm having to open those doors to express the thoughts and concepts I'm thinking. Hate is a concept, let's start there.

Understanding is the key to acceptance in all things. But what exactly does understanding mean? To see what another is saying, comprehend it, with no personal experience to "relate" to the topic being discussed? Or for true understanding must there be a level of common experience between the two people discussing that topic? I would believe that one's own experience is necessary to fully understand what another is saying. I don't know that for sure, and to be able to understand without some level of similar experience for comparison may indeed be possible. I guess it depends on the depths of your own mind to be able to imagine what it's like for another, and to say you understand.

What I'm getting at is that I see more narrow-minded people cling to the premise of hate, wearing it as a shield to prevent understanding of an issue. Why would they fight the understanding that they are capable of? Are they afraid to admit that there indeed is some common ground between the two of them at odds over a position? Would admitting a level of undertanding lead to their acceptance of things they previously hated, due to the previous lack of understanding? I "understand" that understanding leads to tolerance and acceptance, but I don't understand why one would think this act of understanding is wrong, by refusing to understand a position they abhor. Do they prefer to hate? Does their shield of hate help them keep issues at bay that they don't want to understand? Are they afraid their understanding (by finding some common ground upon which to base that understanding) will open them up to a position where their understanding condones a behaviour they despise? Does understanding lead to that? Is it a bad thing to open minds to tolerate things previously hated due to a lack of understanding?

I think not. I think it is better to understand, than to wall yourself off behind fear and hate. But I understand why you would cling to that hate, to resist understanding, and further resist accepting things you disapprove of. Would you disapprove of it if you understood it? Does understanding and tolerance lead to anarchy? Heh. As you can tell I'm having difficulty expressing my thoughts. Headache. Distance.

On the topic of religion, let's see if I can do any better with this concept. I don't believe in a god of a higher power, but freely admit the possibility there could be something of that sort ruling over the life of the universe. I doubt it, but that's not the issue. I'll use the term "spiritual" in place of religious, to give credit to the lack of understanding (there's that word again) of forces around us we're unable to comprehend. I don't doubt something spiritual exists, but it's source is another matter. Let's go with personal experience to demonstrate what I'm saying.

When my father died, he was at his home with my mother and brother at his side, trying to revive him. I was 20 miles away in my own home, just drifting off to sleep. "Something" jolted me awake, and the feeling was severely disturbing, unnerving, curious, and the only other word I can pull is "deep". I sat up trying to grasp what it was I was feeling, partly from fear, partly to grab onto it to conquer it so that it didn't overwhelm me, and partly to get rid of it. I was confused, too. About ten minutes into my struggle with these feelings, the phone rang. My heart sank. I KNEW before I picked up the phone, what words I would hear through the line. And when I heard the words is when the tears began, having confirmation of what I was sure I knew. I was also numb. And confused at how I was able to feel what had just happened.

I felt my father die. It took a while to consciously realize that (more than a few minutes), through all the other emotions that clouded my mind. This realization didn't evoke feelings of power or grandeur or of an omnipotent force, i.e. God, but it drew out feelings of a spirit from within. There was MUCH peace in knowing that my father and I were connected in other ways than the physical surface world. Was it a silent "love and respect" for each other that enabled me to feel his death? We weren't close and our words were few all throughout life, but the hidden knowledge of our love for each other was a mutual exchange of respect, and love.

This leads to my ponderings of the spiritual world, having experienced something on the inside of that world with my father's death, and later, I steadfastly believe he "visited" me in two dreams I had since his death. The dreams were not good or bad, there were no messages from him or anything. When I woke, I felt different, as if he'd visited me, and I felt maybe a little richer in my conscience.

I feel like the easiest explanation is that his ghost is alive in the spiritual world that surrounds us, and he found his way to me, just to share some time. But I'm uncomfortable with that explanation. No doubt his energy (his "soul") exists somewhere, but is it always him, with the same identity and "mass" as always? Is his soul just a bubble in the pool of all energy that surrounds us? And on occassion it resumes one of it's previous existances to go through the world it once lived? When his soul leaves me, does it melt back down into that pool of energy and become unrecognizeable? Then later re-emerge to do some more travelling about? Can a spirit do that?

Deeper. Suppose all of this energy that surrounds us is one and the same with the 90% of our brains that remain untapped. Did my father's soul spring from my subconscious, was I able to cross into that region of my brain to recognize his presence in that pool of energy? Did I reach out to touch him again, conjure him up from the unknown, unrecognizeable thoughts in that part of our brains? This is possible, I think. His energy is a part of me, always has been and always will be, just as everyone else's energy is a part of me, and my energy is shared with all the rest of life out there, from the beginning of time....when he became a physical being (alive), only then was I able to recognize him, after I too became alive. I have much peace believing this.

I hate to cut this off here (isn't it LONG enough, anyway??), but it's almost time for X-Files..... LOL.

..the end..