01/31/01: This thing we got between us is really weird, not sure what to make of it. How can we both love each other and not want to be with each other? Jeez, where do I start? Well, we spent alot of time together toward the end of the year, pretty much every free minute she had. She went up north to visit family for Christmas, and as she was returning on New Year's Eve, it was a given that would be a special night for us. I sent her a gift to open on Christmas Day, with a note that said I Love You. This was my way of avoiding it directly - avoiding an expectation of reciprocation, and evading the commitment issue.
Well, I was so looking forward to her return. I had prepared a huge dinner of all her favorite foods, and entertained the notion of our crossing the holdout barrier to make love to each other for the first time that night.
Fate had a different plan. She caught the flu the day prior to her return. I wasn't too successful witholding my disappointment, either. Two days later I finally found my compassion and visited her on more pleasant terms. It's not that I got mad at her, I truly wanted her not to be in misery, wanted to console her, etc. But I was enraged at the universe for throwing this at us, at such a fragile point in our relationship. We've both been hesitant - no, adamant, about maintaining our independence and our freedom. Therefore we intentionally did not talk about our emotions -- well, we did, but in a very restrained manner. Anyway...
My emotions ran away with me, to the point of imagining the rest of my life with her. She's all I could think about for days. Once she felt better, she came over here for dinner, about a week later. It was tense. There were some issues between us I wanted to discuss, and I wanted her to visit me for a change. I'm always going to her house (at her invitation) to spend time with her. I wanted to feel her effort, so I invited her for dinner, and she accepted. Yay. Well after a discussion on some issues, the air was kind of cleared, and when she stood to leave she asked if it was OK to hug me. I told her it's o.k. to kiss me if she wanted to.
Two hours later, we're both smoking a cigarette sitting in the middle of my living room floor, totally naked except our socks. Heh. But, even though we'd finally had sex, it wasn't that great, at all. But, as she says, it broke the ice in that realm. I asked her if we could book a time when we had all night without other obligations, so we could relax and have a passionate, intimate experience. She consented, but goddammit she's so reserved. I felt like she was doing so against her will... but as it turned out that wasn't the case.
Our night together was incredible. Unbelievable. But, it also awakened my libido, which led to a disastrous encounter the very next day, over which we broke up a week later.
Umm, we're back together now, I think. Both of us realized how special our intimacy and sharing experiences were to each other, and decided to step back into the ring together to salvage those things. But it feels more strained than ever, particularly now that we've bared our souls to each other in the course of all that conflict. I think neither of us want to take anything for granted from the other. But I miss her. And I love her dearly. It's not like there is an urgency for us to become an "us" totally and completely, so I'm content to know she's there. Her smile melts me, I wish I could see it more often.
The graphic above parallels what we have currently - "courtship" is the name of the sculpture, but though courtship speaks of pursuit, we have none. Notice how two separate bodies twirl around each other, and yet never touch. That's where we are too.